Unfocused

I’m out of focus lately. Not really lately, for a month already. I think. I thought I already know where I am headed. I was wrong.

I know my goals.

I want Melvin, Kaila and I to be together always. I want to have my own house—a two-storey mansion, with a library full of books. I want to travel the world, with my family, Mom and Dad, Shara and Joemar. I want to be rich and wealthy. I want time freedom. I want a good life. I want to be happy.

I thought I already know how to reach them. Or so I thought.

The past few months, I had been busy with network marketing. This is was my exit strategy to the life I have now. Again, I thought so.

What happened to my willingness to take the risk just to achieve all these? Why am I seeking for the “play now, pay later” life that I was starting to abandon a few months ago with the promise of a “pay now, play later” life?

I was on the right track. What happened?

Looking back, I realized that I was not yet ready for network marketing (if not now, when?). Or I was overly excited with the idea of lots of money that I failed to evaluate my present situation before jumping off the ship. I jumped too early nobody was prepared to catch me.

My up line has been very supportive and encouraging. He was right when he told me that I should not let other people to ruin my dreams. But I also have the right to be affected. I have the right to be depressed. I have the right to take time off, think things over, pick up the pieces… and yes, eventually start over again.

When you come back, it will be a better version of you, he said. A better me. A better me. That sounded really good.

But how does one start over again? How does one pull the pieces back together? How does one stand up after the fall?

Did I already learn my lesson? Was there a lesson to learn in the first place? What did I realize after what happened? Whatever happened anyway?

Well, I lost all down lines. One is trying to get back but situations are preventing her from coming back. One was lost (she can’t figure out what’s happening to her). One asked me to understand her situation, to which I told her I could not understand something that I don’t know but since she was asking for understanding, I will try to understand her (very confusing!).

Ah, I should start updating my contacts list. That was the first thing they told me when I decided to sign-up for the company. And then I should write down my goals (my goals are written down, complete with pictures!). My favorite author Robert Kiyosaki said, dream big dreams, think long-term, underachieve on daily basis, take baby steps. I have big dreams. I still can’t think long-term. All my dreams are up to three years only. I’m taking baby steps. Starting to.

I want to give up already. But I can hear my husband saying not to give up easily. He’s the fuel that drives me to where I should go. He’s my biggest supporter. He’s my strength. He’s my life. And because he told me not to give up easily, I won’t. And as we always say, this is for Kaila. This is for our future.

So what should I do now? /melodie. 12.02.2009

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