……

ang lungkot.

daddy’s job.
shara’s bf.

ang lungkot.

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law school dreams

I want to study law; but I don’t see myself being a lawyer. How queer is that?

The law school dream started in college, when I was attending a Law on Mass Media class conducted by, let’s call him, The Notorious Terror Professor. It was my second time having him as a professor and I did like him. In fact, he gave me a 1.25 as a final grade in class. I wasn’t his favorite, but I believed I impressed him, the reason for the high grade. Also, it’s my Dad’s ultimate dream for me, being his first born who have been an above average, if not excellent, student since the first day of school. I have disappointed him when I got pregnant and married a man whom he disapproved of. I believe I still owe him that despite the fact that he’s already accepted my husband and he adores my daughter.

Before college graduation, I thought of taking the law entrance exam but my decision came a day before the last day of submission of requirements. Then years passed. About a month ago, four people reminded me of my law school dreams. I almost reached a point when all I needed to do was submit my requirements. Again I did not pushed through with it.

Why o why?

There are a lot of considerations.

1. I have a family already. Studying again means less time with my daughter (which, if you’ve been reading my previous entries, is not what I want to happen) and giving up either of my workor my business.
2. I was not prepared to take the exam. I’ve read the blogs of people who took the exam and almost all of them reviewed for it. It’s something that I should prepare myself because I’ll be entering a prestigious university, my alma mater.
3. It’s contrary to what I’ve been reading a lot so far about being rich.
4. I’m not yet financially stable to support law school.

Yes, I really want to enter law school. But I’m postponing my dreams for now, for a year or two maybe. But I will definitely pursue this. This is a promise to myself.

What do you want?

They say, you need to know what you want and define what you want to do with your life and eventually, what you want will manifest. As what a mentor said in a training series, whatever you focus on, you will get.

Even the book titled The Secret stresses the importance of being clear with what you really want (ask), believe that you will achieve it and then feel as if it’s already right in front of you (receive).

It’s not just knowing, it’s being clear with it. Detail, detail, detail, according to The Success Formula training series.

But what if you, or I, don’t know what is it that you want? According to the series, begin with your pen and paper. Ask yourself the following questions:

What do I enjoy doing?
What makes me happy?
What gives me real satisfaction?
If I did know what I wanted, what would it be?

So, I tried what my mentors said, and here goes my list: (from top of mind. please don’t mind the grammar)

I want to resign from my job, be a full-time wife and mom, and have all the time in the world to spend with Melvin and Kaila and also Mommy, Nanay and Daddy. I want it next year, 2010.

I want to be a web content writer, earning an average of 40 thousand monthly or more and still have all the time in the world with my loved ones.

I want to learn how to cook anything deliciously; as in anything that I can find in the refrigerator.

I want to have 10 million pesos in my savings account, another 10 million pesos in melvin’s account, another 10 million for kaila, and another 10 million for my mom and dad. I want to have these figures by age 30.

I want a 2009 CRV A/T brilliant white pearl with plate MEL846 (VIN). I want it next year.

I want a house by 2010; a two-storey fully furnished house in Bauan Grand Villas, standing in a 237 sqm lot. It has a library/mini-office on the second floor and a family room in the den. The master’s bedroom (with a tub and bath and a walk-in closet for melvin’s clothes and shoes) and three rooms for kaila and her future siblings are all on the second floor. There is also a rest room on this floor for the kids. The guest room and the maid’s quarters are both on the first floor. I want my friend Marco Pradil to design my house. The walls are designed with wallpaper. Outside, the walls are painted with “boracay” paint (similar with ate che’s). The parking area can occupy at least two SUVs. There is a lanai area for relaxation and family bonding. I want a happy ambience in the house. The windows are huge. The atmosphere is cool. I want the house to be both comfortable and formal.

There… will improve my list soon.

How about you? What do you want?

Reminiscing childhood

I’m having lots of realizations lately. Childhood dreams suddenly pop up while traveling, walking, and even working. I’m thinking that this is the side effect of having plenty of free time.

R.K., one of my favorite authors, said that the difference with the rich and the poor is what they do with their free time.

Lately, I’ve been writing and rewriting, reading (including status updates of my friends in facebook) and re-connecting with old friends. I know these are not productive if we talk about money and wealth, but as I e-mailed (will post the e-mail soon) I’m taking things slow.

Going back to my realizations and recollections, I remembered traveling with my aunt’s family (my uncle who was the driver and their five kids) when I was a kid. We—Dad, if he’s at home, Mom, sis and bro—would always ride in my aunt’s jeepney because we didn’t have our own vehicle then.

I recalled myself looking outside the window, watching the passing cars and viewing the lovely houses. My cousin and I would always count the beautiful houses and we would tell each other that someday, we’re going to have our own beautiful house.

Fast forward to 2009. My family and my aunt’s family no longer travel together as often as when I was a kid. We already have our own vehicle. Even if we take a ride with them, somebody was always missing because my cousins have work already or that they don’t want to visit my mother’s old town anymore. My cousin and I already have our own families. (Both of us married last year, and both are unplanned; well it’s a different story already.)

Whatever happened to the house of our dreams? My house remains a dream. So is hers, I guess. We never get to talk as we used to. We grew apart along with time’s passing. And if we ever wanted to reconnect, much has happened that we don’t know where to start.

I still dream of building my own house. And I long for the days when we would just sit under a tree and talk about almost anything. Melodie/December 7, 2009

Encouraging myself to fail forward

Even though Melvin and I are both Pisceans, I find it odd that we have different but complimenting personalities. Just a while ago, I told him about me being discouraged about my business. Surprisingly, he told me not to think about my down lines and just go on. Invite more so I can meet my quota before flying to Singapore on the 24th. Was that my husband talking? Because if he was in my situation, he would feel the same way that I’m feeling. And I would encourage him to go on with the business. Okay, now I get it. He doesn’t want me to give up just yet. (That’s what I would feel in his shoes.) God knows how discouraged I am. But I need to go on, with or without my down lines. This is for my dreams, for my mom and dad, for melvin and kaila. Hey, Melodie, are you listening?

is it time to let go?

i think melvin is finally letting go of our very first car, 228. she’s already 13 years old and is having some problems with her engine. i don’t want to let her go. one because of the memories attached to her and of course, for the cost of replacing her.

will still be discussing the matter with my hubby. after all, we’ll be buying a new engine for her soon.

Unfocused

I’m out of focus lately. Not really lately, for a month already. I think. I thought I already know where I am headed. I was wrong.

I know my goals.

I want Melvin, Kaila and I to be together always. I want to have my own house—a two-storey mansion, with a library full of books. I want to travel the world, with my family, Mom and Dad, Shara and Joemar. I want to be rich and wealthy. I want time freedom. I want a good life. I want to be happy.

I thought I already know how to reach them. Or so I thought.

The past few months, I had been busy with network marketing. This is was my exit strategy to the life I have now. Again, I thought so.

What happened to my willingness to take the risk just to achieve all these? Why am I seeking for the “play now, pay later” life that I was starting to abandon a few months ago with the promise of a “pay now, play later” life?

I was on the right track. What happened?

Looking back, I realized that I was not yet ready for network marketing (if not now, when?). Or I was overly excited with the idea of lots of money that I failed to evaluate my present situation before jumping off the ship. I jumped too early nobody was prepared to catch me.

My up line has been very supportive and encouraging. He was right when he told me that I should not let other people to ruin my dreams. But I also have the right to be affected. I have the right to be depressed. I have the right to take time off, think things over, pick up the pieces… and yes, eventually start over again.

When you come back, it will be a better version of you, he said. A better me. A better me. That sounded really good.

But how does one start over again? How does one pull the pieces back together? How does one stand up after the fall?

Did I already learn my lesson? Was there a lesson to learn in the first place? What did I realize after what happened? Whatever happened anyway?

Well, I lost all down lines. One is trying to get back but situations are preventing her from coming back. One was lost (she can’t figure out what’s happening to her). One asked me to understand her situation, to which I told her I could not understand something that I don’t know but since she was asking for understanding, I will try to understand her (very confusing!).

Ah, I should start updating my contacts list. That was the first thing they told me when I decided to sign-up for the company. And then I should write down my goals (my goals are written down, complete with pictures!). My favorite author Robert Kiyosaki said, dream big dreams, think long-term, underachieve on daily basis, take baby steps. I have big dreams. I still can’t think long-term. All my dreams are up to three years only. I’m taking baby steps. Starting to.

I want to give up already. But I can hear my husband saying not to give up easily. He’s the fuel that drives me to where I should go. He’s my biggest supporter. He’s my strength. He’s my life. And because he told me not to give up easily, I won’t. And as we always say, this is for Kaila. This is for our future.

So what should I do now? /melodie. 12.02.2009